I’m as excited for the upcoming Ron Howard helmed Han Solo standalone film as the next man-child, but I’d be lying if I said I’m not also a little bitter Billy D’s Lando has yet to make an appearance in any of the recent Star Wars movies. Where has he been? What’s he been up to? The world wants to know, needs to know. I would absolutely watch a Lando Calrissian movie starring Billy Dee WIlliams. I’m thinking a sci-fi heist/crime drama directed by Quentin Tarantino. Picture Jackie Brown in space, but instead of sexy pop culture icon, Pam Grier, the lead is a geriatric, former booze hound in a cape.
Here’s my pitch:
Nothing’s been going right for Lando ever since the battle of Endor. Two divorces, five younglings, a spice addiction, and an infamous Gungan drug lord, Can Dar Dumbdumb (played by Ving Rhames) has set a bounty on Lando’s head on account of the 3,000 imperial credits Calrissian owes him. 3,000 credits? That was blue milk money back when Lando was administrator on Cloud City. Alas, those days are long gone.
Nien Nunb isn’t faring too much better. He got booted out of the resistance after tweeting an off color rant about Jawas and has since landed a low-paying gig working for the international banking clan on Scipio. He’s husband to a devoted wife, the father of two kids and he’s falling behind on his space mortgage. He and Lando catch up over drinks one night when Lando gets an idea. Nien knows Scipio’s main vault like the backs of hands, which would make casing the joint a piece of cushnip. Initially Nien is reluctant. Lando reminds him that their glory days are far behind them and that society has left them no other choice, in like some sorta metacommentary about how everyone but Lando of the original cast made appearances in The Force Awakens and The Last Jedi.
Ultimately Nien agrees. The heist goes over smooth and the two walk away with a cool 62,000 imperial units each. More than enough for Nein to get his space house out of space foreclosure, which he does, and for Lando to finish paying off his debts, which he plans to do after reupping on some more spice.
Meanwhile Doop-Goo Me-Tu (Harvey Keitel), who is the head of whatever the Star Wars equivalent of the FBI is, has been fast at work trying to crack the case of the missing 124,00 units. The trail is cold, which is why he enlists the aid of former Jedi Knight turned undercover agent, Mace Windu, with Samuel L. Jackson returning to reprise the role. Turns out he survived his duel with Palpatine and has been working with the space FBI ever since. He’s got two robo-hands and maybe the jheri curl fro from Pulp Fiction because why not?
Can Dar pays Lando a visit to make good on the cash he’s owed. Lando, who blew through all of it on spice, promises to pay Can Dar double with interest if he just gives him one week. Can Dar beats the living shit out of him, but then agrees, not before promising to get “Imperial on his ass” if his debt isn’t paid next time he comes around.
Running out of spice and time, Lando has to act quick. Luke and Leia stopped returning his calls ever since that time he got drunk at Chewie’s Lifeday party and told everyone in attendance that the two had made out once. Him and Chewbacca had a falling out after Chewie asked to touch his hair, and Han, well Han is crazy dead. Lando confides in Nien Numb, pleading that they should hit the big vault just one more time. Nien vehemently protests but ultimately succumbs to the apparent distress of his dearest friend and the two set in motion another heist. Things are going as smooth as the first time, when Mace Windu shows up with Doop-Goo Me-Tu and a lightsaber even more purple than the last time we’ve seen it.
“Who tipped them off, Nien?” says a befuddled Lando.
“I did,” Nien Numb responds in heartbreak.
See, turns out Doop Goo Me-Tu got word from Can Dar Dumbdumb that Nien Nunb was Lando Calrissian's accomplice in the first heist. They offered him a deal-set up your pal Lando and you walk otherwise we throw the space book at the two’a yas.
We cut to Lando before a space judge as he says, “The court finds you guilty and hereby sentences you to 25 years to life." Cut to roaring Star Wars fanfare. The post-credit scene shows Lando as he and a lawyer discuss parole options.
Look, this isn’t a film that could -- or maybe even should -- be made, but there is a case for a heavier emphasis on a departure from form in the Star Wars universe. I thought the point was to leave the epic, high-stakes stuff for the main saga, while the smaller films were essentially genre films set in the Star Wars world. I’m talking comedies, dramas, musicals... you name it. Star Wars is just a big ole canvas to get weird in. C’mon Disney, throw Billy D a bone!
