Hi, I’m Bob, and I’m about to do something probably very stupid.
You see, earlier this week, it was announced that Coca-Cola would be doing a new limited run on Surge, the cult-favorite citrus soda from the mid 1990s. Sold exclusively through Amazon, it could be the dawn of a new era for Coca-Cola. By selling directly to customers, Coke can produce smaller batches of drinks without fear of having to distribute them, stock them, etc.
Coca-Cola decided to release this new batch of Surge in 16-ounce cans, a first for Surge. When all 12 arrived, and I ripped open them, regrets started immediately flooding in. Ohhhhh boy, this was more than I was anticipating. My plan changed. I now was going to drink the EQUIVALENT of a 12-pack of 12-ounce cans, or nine 16-ounce cans.
So sit back, relax (with a Surge if you’ve got one) and enjoy a soda stream of conscious from a man who knows he is making a huge, delicious mistake.
SODA 1 - 10 a.m.
This is actually the first time I’ve ever had Surge. Man, this stuff is legitimately delicious. It’s a crisp citrus soda, obviously a take on Mountain Dew. But there’s also something slightly different here, it’s got a bit of a harder edge to it than what Pepsi’s toxic-green fluid contains. Seven minutes later, I’m done. After quickly writing this up, I feel my hands jittering a bit, but perhaps that’s just placebo. Caffeine in soda doesn’t normally have much of an impact on me. I attribute this to my routine consumption, but we’ll see what happens.
I’m still thirsty.
SODA 2 - 10:08 a.m.
ROUND 2 - FIGHT
A few of the cans got mushed up a bit in the shipping process, so I’ve opted to pour this one into a cup. A wise choice this was, as the can decided to pull one of those “I’m not gonna open properly because screw you” thingies on me. Anyway, into the cup with you. WOW! This stuff is GREEN. Like, I’m afraid to touch it now, for fear that I’ll erode. Or turn teenaged again, mutate, and become a ninja. Oh well, better just pour it down my gullet.
Maybe it’s the cup, but this one is going down pretty smooth. Cups may be my savior in the future. I should get one of those huge ones, so I can dump more than one can in. Oh god. Reality is starting to settle in, and drinking this much soda is becoming a bigger hill with each gulp. You know what though? At least it still tastes good.
I’m definitely going to need to eat something before I get into this next one. My stomach is starting to ask me why I’m loading it up with so much liquefied sugar this early in the day. It’s now been about a half hour since I started, and I’m probably 1.5 cans into this.
Ok, it’s now been 45 minutes, and I’m already two full cans into this. I haven’t gone to the bathroom yet, so that will have to happen soon. I’m also doing my regular duties for the day, so bouncing between this and those is proving to be a bit difficult. I should finish up what I’m doing there before getting into my third can.
Also, pee break.
SODA 3 - 11:19 a.m.
The seal has been broken my friends. I’ve now gone to the bathroom twice in the past 15 minutes or so.
I’ve cracked into the second of the derpy cans, so into a cup you shall be poured, my liquid downfall. I’m definitely feeling it now, getting jittery and distracted easily. This will be my last one before I take a bit of a break to go help a buddy with some passport issues. This one is going down a bit more rough than the others.
I finished one of my iDigi stories for the day, which is great. (You should read it!) I now have all day to work on one more, while also continuing to tackle this beast.
After a quick trip to the bathroom, I wrap up the third Surge at 12:02 p.m. I now pack my bags, and it’s time to head to my friend’s apartment. We’ll see how navigating the New York subways will be when I’m operating at the speed of two people. I should probably check my pulse at this point, but I don’t trust myself to perceive reality accurately right now.
SODA 4 - 12:47 p.m.
I successfully navigated the subway. I didn’t really believe I would get lost, but I did get a little nauseous. My stomach being 95 percent liquid was not helping. I made it to my friend Corey’s house, along with my six remaining cans of carbonated death. Before heading out again I figured I’d knock a quick one back because YOLO or whatever. I’m now sweating uncontrollably, despite it not being that hot out.
In an interesting turn of events, all this caffeine is kinda making me feel a little drunk, or at least loopy. What’s impressive is that after all this, I’m still finding Surge to taste pretty damn good. We’ll see if this trend can continue. For music, I decide to listen to the dulcet tones of Danzig to help carry me through downing another 16 ounces of sugary hell. Just as the clock hits 1:05 p.m., I drain the last drops of can four. Oh boy.
LUNCH - 3:48 p.m.
After a long delay, I get a delicious sandwich. It’s got ham, turkey, bacon, the works. Both curly fries and onion rings compliment the sandwich. But like, dang. This is a good sandwich.
SODA 5 - 4:06 p.m.
Paired with real food, Surge is pretty nice. I have Bill and Ted on TV (thank you Netflix). Things are going well. I’m confident in this as I roll past the half-way mark. Corey remarked that he felt Surge had a slightly more citrusy burst to it than Mountain Dew. I feel that lines up with my thoughts as well.
The can empties around 4:18 p.m.. I still have a quarter of my sandwich left. I’m on the downward side of these cans now, but I know it will still be a struggle. I gotta finish this sandwich before I want to continue. I’m pretty glad I also grabbed another two bags of chips.
I’m still thinking about when to break into that sixth can. I’m in no immediate rush.
It’s now 5:37 p.m.. No one man should have all this power.
It’s 5:50 p.m.. I’ve been asked if I have transcended death. I do not know. I know that I have transcended life. We’ll see what side of the fence I come back down on.
Why am I so tired?
6:20 p.m.. Time has no meaning to me anymore. I’m starting to fear that I will end up just passing out, not even able to physically make it to the end of the day. A new thought has entered my mind. What if I phase out of existence? Lost to all time and space? True horror, my friends. My stomach has starting making sounds that it shouldn’t be.
Corey has started playing the first Mass Effect. Remember having to drive around that Mako? I have loving memories of that thing. It’s like remembering the old family dog, when he would wipe his butt on the carpet. You hated him for it, but you look back with love.
SODA 6 - 6:47 p.m.
There was a big break here, because I couldn’t bring myself to get off the couch. Surprisingly, my teeth haven’t really started hurting yet. I figured they would want to jump out of my gums by now. Remember how I talked about that other article way back when. Let’s get to writing one. Sounds like a plan.
Wait, it’s been an hour already?!?! How??? I’m only about halfway through this can, and it’s a struggle. I want to cry.
It’s somehow already 8:11 p.m. A friend, who happens to be a medical professional, expressed concern about my physical appearance. I’m told I look drunk. My prospects for finishing this stupid idea are dwindling. Allergies are hitting me hard as well, and that is of no help. I should mention that my allergies are one step below horribly detrimental, it isn’t the basic sniffles.
I regret all of my previous decisions. My face is hot and I cannot form complete sentences.
We hit 8:45 p.m. I have an hour and fifteen minutes left to try and get all these down in 12 hours. It isn’t going to happen, friends. I’m staring defeat in the face, and it’s laughing at me.
The time is now 9:08 p.m. I need to get home. I start saying my goodbyes now. I pack up the remaining cans of Surge. Things aren’t going to go well with my horrid experiment. The tips of my fingers are tingling.
My cab shows up around 9:30 p.m., and I get in. It’s a terrible ride, as my driver manages to hit just about every red light on the short trip home. A pot hole almost sends my stomach through my mouth. “You should contact the mayor about these roads” my driver suggests. I blankly nod at him in agreement.
I stumble back into my apartment and lie down really quick. My ears have a slight ring in them, and I’m starting to feel hung over. It’s a strange feeling, one I hope not to replicate.
I look at the clock again and notice the time. It’s now 10:02 p.m. I’ve failed in my attempts to drink 144 ounces of Surge in 12 hours. I did take down about 96 ounces though, which is just shy of 1.5 two liter bottles of soda. Blerg. I start to drink multiple glasses of water, as it has come to my attention that I am now horribly dehydrated.
Bob: 0 - Surge: 1. This game will not be seeing a rematch.
The sad part is that I know I’ll be drinking, and most likely enjoying, the remaining three cans of Surge over the next few days.
