Last Night's Game Of Thrones Is Everything Wrong With Season 7 So Far

Spoilers for Game Of Thrones past this point.

Last night’s episode of Game Of Thrones, “Stormborn,” had everything: sex, over-the-top gore and a naval battle so comically one-sided you’d think it was between the Mountain and a baby koala. Now that we’ve seen the first two episodes of Season 7, I’m starting to see some serious problems forming under the surface. The show’s spent seven seasons taking it’s sweet time with character development, allowing fans to fall in love with the heroes and villains of Westeros. Now that winter is here and the Night King is knocking on the Wall, everything has to get tied up quick.

More has happened in the last two episodes of Game Of Thrones than in the entirety of Bran’s arc. There were three scenes in Stormborn that summed up my problems with the season so far.

Grey Worm And Missandei Getting It On- Game Of Thrones loves its titty time, but it usually serves as a way to move the story forward. Jon Snow and Ygritte, the Lannister kids and Loras Tyrell and Renly Baratheon all bumped uglies for a purpose besides HBO’s need for softcore porn. I’ve never cared for the Grey Worm/ Missandei romance that’s been bubbling under the surface for a season or two, but I thought it was a cute subplot. In the middle of fights with dragons and political turmoil, it was nice to see a lighter side of the Unsullied.

What I didn’t want to see was a five-minute long sex scene with zero implied penetration. The Unsullied have their dingles mutilated so they can’t be used, which is not information I expected to need yesterday. Seeing Missandei stare at Grey Worm’s half-a-chub was not only uncomfortable, it was also super weird. I understand the showrunners felt they needed to give the fans some closure before killing these characters off, but it just felt rushed and unnecessary. I shouldn’t be laughing at a scene that’s supposed to be tender, but that Grey Worm “love is my weakness” speech had me rolling on my dirty floor.

Grey Scale Under The Knife- I don’t watch horror movies because gore leaves me squeamish. Close-ups of bloody members or scenes of mutilation aren’t enjoyable; they just make me want to watch something else. Sir Jorah getting his skin peeled away by a knife, with extreme close-ups of the agonizing pain almost made me turn off Game Of Thrones entirely. If my girlfriend wasn’t with me (who would have most definitely made fun of me for being a big baby), I would have stopped right there.

Torture porn is a lazy way for writers to try and elicit an emotional response from viewers. It’s much harder to make someone feel compassion for characters then it is to creep them out with something uncomfortable. The whole scene was stupid and might not even pay off. Imagine sitting through your skin getting peeled off and then dying from blood loss or trauma without any painkillers because this show is “edgelord friendly.” Not only would that be unsatisfying for fans that have watched Sir Jorah fight for Daenerys, it would be bad storytelling. Still, there are only a few episodes left and the cast of characters has expanded too far, which means some of them have to die.

C-Tier Adventurers Get Killed By A Boat- This was the dumbest scene in the whole episode. It hit all of the generic Game Of Thrones fight scene plot lines: it was completely unexpected, characters you’ve grown attached to get chopped up and there’s a lot of violence. It felt like they were checking notches off a checklist rather than crafting an experience, which isn’t what GoT should be. Also, didn’t Euron have 1000 ships? All we saw was one really big one that must have taken the CGI department weeks to build.

How did you feel about last night’s Game Of Thrones ? Send a raven to my office and we’ll discuss within the fortnight.