Roblox is a phenomenon I just can’t understand. The sandbox experience targeted at children allows users to create and live inside their own fantasy worlds and it is one of the most-played games on the internet. You can dig for treasure, attend fairy high school or do pretty much anything. Bored on a weekend afternoon, I decided to finally try the game and see why preteens all over the world are obsessed with this plastic toy-turned-life-simulator.
If VRChat is for creepy introverts who want to spam racist memes, Roblox is for their younger equivalents. When I was in middle school, we had Newgrounds and Neopets to supply our memes. In today’s media-focused landscape, kids can escape into their phones or PCs, doing way more than raise a Bori or watch Egoraptor cartoons. Roblox has chat rooms where you can do pretty much anything with your avatar.
I decided to check out one of the most popular Roblox fiestas first, called “Royale High School.” The premise is simple, attend a virtual school where you can have faerie wings, race in gym class and play games on a computer. It’s like real school, but without teachers or rules—an environment where players are the ones in charge. In my entire life, I have never felt more like a creeper than attending virtual class with 12-year-olds. Sitting at a lunch table, drinking my bottle of water, I watch as these preteens type to each other in chat.
“What’s wrong?” says the orange-haired sprite with pink glowing faerie wings.
“I’ll tell you later,” another fae with bright blue augmented wings responds.
Smiley face emojis were spammed around the table, offering condolences for a member of their Roblox tribe.
After running in a race and playing a typing game, I had to head out of there. School was the worst for me and there’s no way I was waiting around for the Roblox bullies to show up. Next up was “Pokemon Brick Bronze,” a complete Pokémon adventure, with a full story, gyms and battles. There’s no way Nintendo knows of this mode’s existence or else they’d shut it down faster than a Zangoose with Quick Claw.
I actually enjoyed “Brick Bronze,” at least for a few minutes. It’s a generic Pokémon game, complete with every starter you can think of, grass battles and a gym system. Hundreds of thousands of trainers were logged in alongside me, though I didn’t see a single one. That may have been because I never left the starting town or because I play video games in the middle of the school day.
What bugged me the most was the poor implementation of the battle system. In my first battle, my Tackle barely scratched the enemy Eevee, while their floppy tailed brute slashed my turtle into oblivion. Getting a full game inside another game can’t be easy, but I applaud the attempt.
I’ve already uninstalled Roblox , a game I hope to never have to touch again. There are just some places a single male adult shouldn’t go.
