Maybe a movie about Paul Dano squeezing Daniel Radcliffe’s corpse to create useful farts isn’t your thing. Fine, whatever. Swiss Army Man looks fun to me, but it’s just a movie. But now another opportunity presents itself thanks to a Swiss Army Man promotion by U.S. distributor A24 Films.
Leading up to the release of Swiss Army Man, the dummy Daniel Radcliffe double used in the movie will be touring the country. So far the tour has been resounding flop in one important respect. Check out a load of photos from the first “Manny” appearance and see if you can spot what has gone so terribly wrong with this viral promotion:
Manny getting some much-needed vitamin D in Washington Sq. Park. Next stop: Times Square! #MannyWatch #SwissArmyMan pic.twitter.com/3LCFWNGiTV
— Swiss Army Man (@SwissArmyMan) June 7, 2016
We’re seeing the same thing, right? A busload of willennials with Daniel Radcliffe and Daniel Radcliffe’s simulated corpse. Everyone seems cheerful and smiling. Playful selfies were had by all.
But there’s a major problem here, a clear dereliction of duty. It’s not the fun they’re having, but the fun they’re not having.
Where is the picture of someone making out with Daniel Radcliffe’s dead lips?
Why is no one humping or otherwise groping this poor, ungroped corpse?
Not a single person is going to pretend to give this thing oral sex or swing their genitals at its face with vicious pelvic thrusts?
Every other statue in the entire world has been tweaked, humped, kissed and fondled, but a bunch of people get time with a dead Harry Potter and all they can think to do is throw a jocular arm around its shoulder? We’re better than this, people. All of these fine men and women put these Swiss Army Man event attendees to shame:
We thought it was appropriate to molest the headless statue... The people here hate us #… https://t.co/LsRwp8iz3y pic.twitter.com/O6ROIl1R9u
— Mientras PlayaCarmen (@MientrasPlaya) April 29, 2016
My man crushes everydayyyy. Yh scotty hump that statue.. #mcms #baes @todderic_ @ImNotScottySire pic.twitter.com/ppnIFATClo
— L E O N A (@leona_ah) May 18, 2015
@Leonard_Kang oh I got suggestion, you can either sit down and eat or you go and hump a statue. pic.twitter.com/Fsie8NA1H6
— Eugene (@eugenelim99) July 11, 2014
Hump a statue #Animals pic.twitter.com/rA3brQU4pv
— MNGVS14 (@mngvs14) March 15, 2014
“@thedailybeast: "Congress shall make no law abridging the right to hump a statue of Jesus." http://t.co/xnuGQZXDnX pic.twitter.com/Y34r8LxwDa”
— Global News (@newsbytheface) September 14, 2014
Im so pumped I could hump a statue. Again. pic.twitter.com/QYuEBY1bLO
— 汤点 (@panda_monk) October 31, 2013
Had to take the opportunity to molest the Bob Eucker statue in the nose bleed seats at Miller Park! Lol!#SFGiants pic.twitter.com/PJeyJ1smwN
— JoJo (@DejaVuDog) August 5, 2014
The dead Radcliffe is scheduled to make appearances in New York, Washington D.C., Chicago, Denver and Los Angeles, for starters. If he comes to your city and you miss the opportunity to act repulsively to this corpse, you’ll regret it the rest of your life.
Anyone who wouldn’t fuck with a dead Daniel Radcliffe puppet shouldn’t be allowed to see Swiss Army Man when it comes out in theaters June 24. Here’s the trailer:
