The New Nintendo 3DS XL release date in North America is Feb. 13, and the New Nintendo 3DS release date in North America is Never, So Suck It. That is to say, we’re only getting the big one. You probably knew that already. What you probably didn’t know is this: Everyone who wants to get the little one, the regular New Nintendo 3DS, is either a child or an idiot. Aww yea, gauntlet thrown! NOTE: All opinions in this article are those of the author, and therefore completely correct.

Why The Small 3DS Is For Big Idiots

Only big idiots want the small 3DS, and here’s why: It’s stupid. It’s too small. It has only one advantage over the New 3DS XL, which are those custom faceplates that change how it looks. I’ll grant you, those are cool. Super cool, even. But everything else about the New 3DS is stupid. Biggest stupid thing: It’s way smaller than the New 3DS XL. New 3DS XL is big, like a modern handheld should be. It is built for adults. Adults with fingers of reasonable size. I am an adult and I have very small hands. This is a true story. I also have a Nintendo 3DS XL, because the Nintendo 3DS was too small for my small hands. And those are small hands! Imagine someone with big hands.

The New 3DS non-XL would be great for two classes of people: Children, who have small hands in most situations, and adults who have very, very small hands, smaller even than my small hands. That’s a small gang. Guess what: Phones have gotten way bigger over the last few years. Tablets have gotten bigger. Handhelds can get bigger too! Do you pine and yearn for the days of the three inch iPhone? Really? Then you must be a twelve year old, and I wish that Nintendo had a console that fit easily in your hands. Oh wait, it does: The New Nintendo 3DS XL. It’s big enough for adults, not too big for kids. And the screen is substantially larger. Sounds like the perfect system!

Here are some other reasons you might want a New Nintendo 3DS instead of a New 3DS XL: Oh, wait, there aren’t any. The only reasons are if you want the faceplates or are a child. If you want the faceplates, guess what: Spend your money buying games, not decorations. Is this a home décor class or a handheld console? Thought so. OK, fine, I said it before, the faceplates are cool. But not worth the physical discomfort needed for the small 3DS.

Why didn’t Nintendo release the New Nintendo 3DS Baby Edition in the U.S., anyway? Because they didn’t think it would sell well here. Why not? Because this is America, and in America, we like our things big. So we can use them with our hands. So go buy a New 3DS XL, it’s the American thing to do.