Do you know any potential serial killers? Is there some white dude in your life who keeps odd hours and is always smirking, as if he has a secret murder mint he keeps tonguing in his brain? You need to know someone’s heart to get a great gift. Just searching “gifts for men” or “gifts for mom” or “gifts for boyfriend” isn’t going to cut it, not in 2014. Look into that man’s soul and ask yourself: is this someone who murders multiple people for sport? If his smile says no, but some ineffable otherness says yes, then do we have the 2014 gift guide for you!
Killer Gifts for Possible Serial Killers - A 2014 Holiday Gift Guide
The remarkable thing about serial killers is that the current men’s lifestyle blog trend basically fits them perfectly. Sites like Uncrate and Art of Manliness peddle a hyper-stylized, old-fashioned masculinity that would have us using shoe horns and chopping down trees all day. And while I’m sure some small percentage of their readers could really use a $245 axe… nevermind, no one needs a $245 axe. The image of the perfect man projected by many men’s lifestyle sites is actually far more fitting for a serial killer than an urban man in 2014, which makes serial killer gift-giving easier than ever! I mean, seriously men gift guides? “Tactical” murder pens? Perhaps this is bad news for men, but it’s great news for your maybe serial killer friend!
Whether your serial killer gift opener will be tearing into their present under the Christmas tree or the Hannukah tree one of these gift ideas is sure to put a disturbing-to-witness smile on their face.
Trust Co. Restored Axe AND Estwing Sportsman’s 14 inch Axe
Yes, two different axes may seem like overkill, but they serve entirely different purposes. The Trust Co. Restored Axe may not be much of a bargain at $295 (don’t get them the woodburned initials on the handle, unless they’re the smart kind of serial killer that loves toying with police), but this double bit, classic axe has that intimidation factor you just can’t get with a hand axe or hatchet. Plus, it’s shiny, perfect for capturing those precious, terrified reflections.
The Sportman’s Axe can be found at any hardware store. Impossible to trace, and cheap enough to replace. This is good for the detail work, once your victim is incapacitated.
Trust Co. Restored Axe - $295
Estwing Sportsman’s 14 Inch Axe - $34.97
Artifact Lunch Tote
I found this waxed canvas lunch bag on Uncrate and I honestly can’t imagine who this gift is possibly for other than serial killers. Does your lunch need the durable protection afforded by waxed canvas, leather straps, double stitching, and solid copper rivets? Assuredly not. However, this “Lunch Tote” is probably perfect for carrying around bloody souvenirs. Gift it!
Artifact Lunch Bag - $65
Crovel Tactical Shovel
Yes, the current wave of masculine weaponizing of everyday items continues apace with the Crovel Tactical Shovel. This portable shovel is perfect for burying whatever it is your friend has to bury, plus it’s portable enough to fit into compact trunks. Designed for “ultimate tactical maneuverability” the Crovel Tactical Shovel is “lethal,” “weighted for throwing” (!), and has a bottle opener so you can get drunk before menacing people with the “Super Spike.”
Crovel Tactical Shovel - $109.99
Vintage Bowling Ball Bag
When you have to carry a head, accept no substitute. Any budding serial killer on your holiday shopping list is bound to love this classy, vintage gift. Brunswick is the classic brand, available on eBay in both hard and soft versions for under $30! This pleather bowling ball bag from Etsy has just enough retro style without being too memorable for potential witnesses.
Vintage Bowling Ball Bag - $42.95
Baxter Base Camp X Cut-Throat Razor
Yes, for some reason this razor, ostensibly meant for SHAVING YOUR OWN THROAT, is called the “Cut-Throat.” An easy gift to keep in your boot for those “close encounters” with the voices living inside your victim’s blood. Plus, it doubles as a great gift for the bearded serial killer looking to lay low and change his appearance. For a cheap alternative, check out the Parker SR1, which isn’t an insanely expensive face-shaver reliant on violent imagery to attract men insecure about their masculinity.
Baxter Base Camp X Cut-Throat Razor - $350
Parker SR1 - $19.99
Hunter Daleton Sneaker
When it comes to footwear gifts for your presumably serial-murdering friends your first instinct may be running shoes. Wrong! No self-respecting serial killer should ever run… it’s like serial killing 101. So when it comes to gifting shoes it’s better to go with a gift that’s easy to clean. Look no further than the Daleton sneakers from Hunter (what a perfect brand name too!). It provides classic wellies’ rain protection, but has the sneaker cut that will keep people from getting suspicious when wearing them on a cloudless night. Plus, they come in black. Classic gift!
Hunter Daleton Boot - $115
Survival Strap Paracord Bracelet
These “Survival Strap” bracelets are super popular with people who imagine they’ll one day be caught in a Spider-Man scenario (Preppers save themselves, Parker!), but they would also be a perfect gift for people who need to tie up large and struggling packages. This black paracord bracelet, which can hold 550 pounds, is “serious military spec gear” and totally not a braided bracelet from your day-campin’ daughter.
Survival Bracelet - $24.99
More Gifts!
And that’s just the beginning for great gifts you can get that murderous friend or acquaintance in your life! How about a plastic apron (you may be tempted by boutique masculine work aprons, but they stain too easily)? Or a murder simulator? On a more personal note, masks are always a great gift, but probably only appropriate for men you know well. No one wants to feel obliged to wear a Catitude Mask, when they’re more the Blank Face type.
If your serial killer isn’t too picky you can also pick up the best murder gift of all: guns!
The new men’s lifestyle offers so many gift opportunities for serial killers. But what if your mistaken? What if that creepy guy at your office isn’t a serial killer at all? Not to worry: this gift guide is also perfect for men in search of the masculine phantasm of their grandfathers. So get gifting!
