Congratulations, Hollywood, you played yourself. Or rather, you’re trying to play Tetris and, ultimately, you will play yourself. Yes, the bright minds over at Threshold Entertainment Group and China’s Seven Star Works have decided to invest $80 million dollars into an “epic sci-fi thriller” based on, wait for it-- ahh you already know, Tetris!
Tetris is a joint venture between the two companies primarily spearheaded by Threshold Chairman and CEO, Larry Kasanoff. Kasanoff is a veteran film producer who previously worked on another popular video game adaptation, Mortal Kombat. We all remember how that one turned out, right? Let us also not forget the general awfulness of video game films in general. Nevertheless, Kasanoff is convinced a Tetris movie is a good idea.
“Tetris, one of the most recognized video game franchises of all time, is a perfect first project for this strategy,” said Kasanoff in a statement. Right.
If you thought The Angry Birds Movie was a terrible idea, bask in the absurdity of a LIVE-ACTION Tetris movie. Like, did y’all not learn from Pixels? That movie came out less than a year ago. YES, I KNOW YOU WON’T CAST ADAM SANDLER IN TETRIS BUT THE MOVIE WAS INHERENTLY FLAWED IN THE FIRST PLACE.
*deep breaths*
Anyways, despite the game of Tetris lacking characters, plot or any sort of dramatic structure, the film adaptation will offer a unique viewing experience, to say the least. Shiieet, the screenwriters may even be able to strike gold with the metaphysicality of it all. "One of the reasons Tetris is so successful is because it fulfills an innate desire we all have to create order out of chaos in the world around us," said Kasanoff in an email to USA Today. "That theme – applied with some imagination globally and possibly universally – is a great one for a series of sci-fi movies. I promise you this movie is not what you think, but once you see it, you will understand why Tetris."
I would be inclined to agree if it weren’t for the fact that literally every video game movie ever made was, is and will always be, trash. Even Tomb Raider and Resident Evil were lowkey terrible. But video games make money, become cultural icons and ride the wave to their inevitable fates of cheesy big-budget adaptations starring Adam Sandler. Sorry, man, but your script selection skills are worse than Nicolas Cage.
Threshold and Seven Stars are pushing on, however, and they seem rather enthused by their work. “Today there are so many great sources on which to build a movie blockbuster and video gaming is certainly an amazing category with its huge international following,” said Bruno Wu, CEO of Sun Seven Stars Media Group.
No release date or plot details have been revealed as of yet, but I hear it’s a Marxist reinterpretation of communist society. You know, the falling blocks are representations of the proletariat rising up-- oh, you don’t know about that? Nevermind…
