Whoever’s been writing the titles for Michael Bay’s Transformer movies seriously needs to stop taking pitches from children. After Dark Of The Moon , which is so grammatically obtuse even Foghorn Leghorn wouldn’t say it, we get The Last Knight , which sounds like a children’s book or a terrible DLC expansion. The trailer, which launched Monday night, is a bit confusing, so come with me while we dissect WTF is happening here.
Right off the back, we discover Anthony Hopkins really needed a paycheck. You’d think after appearing in one of the greatest season finale’s of all time, he’d be set. (I guess this was the final narrative Westworld ’s Ford was creating?) The only way this movie will keep my attention is if the whole Transformers franchise was actually just a theme park built to make money, which isn’t that far from the real thing.
So Optimus is dead, meaning Mark Wahlberg and some little girl have to fight a new threat, which is big and robotic. I swear these movies don’t have scripts, Michael Bay just has a bunch of Legos with actor and robot names written on them and tries to use them to make something that just won’t fall apart.
The big threat looks to be Unicron, the giant foreboding sphere of death from the 1980’s animated Transformers movie. The trailer has me a bit worried, since it’s nothing more than just a floating green planet straight out of the Matrix. Michael Bay, I know you don’t care about canon; in the last movie Optimus rode Grimlock like Woody and Bullseye from Toy Story, but please don’t fuck up Unicron. He’s a cherished Transformer from our childhoods; don’t fall victim to the same problem Fantastic Four 2 had when they turned Galactus into a giant fart cloud.
There will be giant robots fighting each other, including a dragon Transformer, hopefully Doublecross.
Explosions, check. Nazis exploding, check. A normal song slowed down to make it sound sombre, check. Will this movie make a billion dollars? Most likely. Transformers: The Last Knight will be rolling out sometime in 2017.
