blow up (n.) — To tire out or become exhausted during a match. Usually the sign of an inexperienced or constitutionally deficient wrestler; frequently this applies to a wrestler more focused on looking good than on actually performing, known colloquially as All show, no go. (Also known as: gassed.)
When it was announced that Goldberg would be included in WWE 2K17, the term above immediately jumped in my head alongside thoughts of Brock Lesnar vs Goldberg 2016. As a playable character inside the WWE game, I imagined an instance where the game speed would slow down and Goldberg would sit in the corner to catch his breath ... you know, like he did during his time in WCW and the WWE.
At the time I began having those thoughts, something weird started happening. Rumors began about a possible Goldberg/Brock Lesnar rematch and I immediately began having flashbacks to their first match at WrestleMania 20. Leading up to that match, everyone knew that both Lesnar and Goldberg would be leaving the WWE so the fans in Madison Square Garden did what they should have done...they booed both men out of the arena. Goldberg won the match but no one won that match as the highlight was Stone Cold Steve Austin stunning both men after they put in zero effort.
Then the unthinkable happened. It was announced that Goldberg and Brock Lesnar would have their rematch at Survivor Series 2016 in Toronto. And then the heavens opened up, doves flew out from under the ring and the wrestling universe finally got their wish. We will finally get our chance to see the match that is being billed as “Fantasy Warfare” at one of the biggest shows of the year and fans rejoiced. That’s what the WWE wants you to think.
That is obviously not what happend. The problem is that the few people that watch the WWE product are...
marks (n.) — A wrestling fan not clued in to the sham of the enterprise.
Whoever in the offices in Stamford , Connecticut thought that a match between these two men in 2016 was a good idea should quit because nothing about this match screams “a dream match.” Goldberg's prime was 1999-2000 as he ran through the the remnants of WCW, which was beginning to deteriorate when he was making his run through the company. By the time he got to the WWE in 2003, he was already a shell of himself as he sat home collecting big checks from Time Warner/AOL instead of coming into the WWE.
Lesnar, a part-time wrestler, makes his 15-20 appearances and wrestles his three matches a year and rakes in millions. Lesnar’s style is stiff and his suplexes are legendary as he dishes out suplex after suplex in matches but for the most part his matches are slow and plodding with not much consistent action. The 2015 Royal Rumble triple-threat match featuring Lesnar, Seth Rollins and John Cena was a match of the year candidate because of Cena and Rollins, not Lesnar. Think about the very first definition at the top now you will see why Brock Lesnar vs Goldberg 2016 will feature many…
rest holds (n.) — A simple submission-style hold, like a headlock or an armbar, that gives wrestlers a chance to get their wind between more athletic portions of the match. It’s also a means of establishing the narrative arc of a match by dictating tempo.
If Goldberg’s botched knees to Rusev three weeks ago showed anything it’s that Goldberg, who hasn’t wrestled a match since 2004, is rusty and not in wrestling shape. Add in Lesnar, who is in farm shape but not ring in-shape, and this match has the potential to be…
drizzling shits, the (n.) — In wrestling lingo, the worst pejorative for a match, sometimes abbreviated to “the shits.”
The problem with this match is that you have two men who could never go 15-20 minutes and the WWE will need them to go at least 12-15 minutes at a major show. 12-15 minutes for a match that no one wants to see and where there will be no follow up because both men will go home with not one mention about them after Monday Night Raw. Lesnar won’t be able to do 20 suplexes on Goldberg because Goldberg is like 50 years old. Goldberg will hit his two moves of doom and hopefully not kick Lesnar in the head and end his career like Goldberg did to Bret Hart at the 2000 WCW Starrcade.
Brock Lesnar vs Goldberg 2016 will be awful and there is nothing that will convince me otherwise. Instead of building their stars who work every night for the company, the WWE would rather bring Lesnar and his two-pack back and drag Goldberg out of a hyperbaric chamber to perform in front of a paying public who is expecting Lesnar from Smackdown circa 2003 and Goldberg circa whenever he was actually good (most fans say never.) I would rather watch a Dixie Carter TNA promo segment than watch this match.
And yes I mean that because apparently after you read this article I will be a…
heel (n.) — A bad-guy wrestler. Antonym of babyface. A monster heel is a massive, frightening villain.
Special thanks to Grantland for supplying the definitions featured in this article.
