Transformers: Dark of the Moon retconned our space program, opening on Neil Armstrong and “Buzz” Aldrin using a period of radio silence to investigate secret alien technology. From there it’s mostly squirrel suits, Leonard Nimoy sacrificing his gravitas on the altar of monomania, surprisingly graphic machine violence and Michael Bay michaelbaying. Dark of the Moon is the definite highlight of the series, with a scope of vision more generous than most rote summer action fare, of which the other Transformers entries are perfect examples.
Transformers: Dark of the Moon is big and silly, which is the only realm in which a Transformers film can satisfy. So when it was announced that Transformers would follow a sprawling “shared universe” model — abandoning the useless but garden-variety sequelizing continuity followed by most series — it sounded almost… promising.
Sure, no one needs a Bumblebee spin-off movie. But no one needs any Transformers movie. If there is to be any series that tries out every stupid idea a writers’ room full of morons can throw at the wall, then why not Transformers? Shrink ‘em down and have the autobots fight cancer. Shoot them into space or deep into the past. Have the dinobots fight real dinosaurs. Fuck it, right? It’s not like we’re missing out on the Transformers equivalent of Mad Max: Fury Road. We all know that ain’t happening, so let’s get stupid.
So, at first glance, new plot revelations surrounding Transformers: The Last Knight sound exactly like the kind of bonkers, near parodic, concept the Transformers series deserves. Optimus Prime needs to retrieve a super-duper magical piece of Cybertron technology that was once wielded by Merlin on King Arthur’s behalf.
The set of Transformers: The Last Knight is swarming with knights and fighting men on horseback.
Michael Bay even posted some video from a distinctly Arthurian location:
Yes! Knights vs. robots! Transformers: The Last Knight might be like Army of Darkness, except with a big budget and a way less expressive lead! Optimus Prime will wield Excalibur and Morgana will turn out to be one of those Decepticons that tried to seduce Shia Labeouf in his college dorm room! Jazz will behead Mordred and say something like "that's what's crackin', little bitch!" The Lady in the Lake is a Cybertron AI construct sent across the chrono-stream to infect medieval humans with robotic memeplexes that inspire the Renaissance painters!
Unfortunately, if Slashfilm is right, our fondest wishes for the chaotic breakdown of the Transformers series won’t be happening to the extent required. Instead of melting down the thin walls between reality and the screaming void, where we realize, once and for all, that this entire world is nothing but a sick fiction where deranged machine elves prod our pleasure and pain centers capriciously, Transformers: The Last Knight will mostly stick to the old Transformers’ tricks. The Arthurian stuff will be nothing more than a flashback, before the Autobots return to the dreary present to grind out another action scene where, like, a pterodactyl transforms into a Dodge Charger and rescues a kid from a falling building. Or something.
Transformers: The Last Knight is looking like every other Transformers movie. It will not rock our baseline understanding of how implausibly a giant corporation can burn $200 million. It will not allow Hollywood to die the shrieking, hallucinatory death it deserves.
