Ever since I noted how awkward some of the porg merchandise for Star Wars: The Last Jedi is, I’ve been obsessed with finding a genuinely adorable porg toy of my own, preferably hug-sized and plush for maximum comfort object appeal.
These are the results of my search. And they are… unfortunate.
The Last Jedi: Life-Sized Interactive Action Porg Plush
This 8.5” interactive plush toy is $24.97, but reviews indicate that it is not quite as squishy as it might appear. “This isn't as much of a "plush" since the whole bottom is hard plastic to support the battery compartment, and the center of porg is also slightly hard for the noise toggle,” said one reviewer. It also makes three different porg sounds, and its wings and mouth move. I don’t need all of this extra froo-froo, and I don’t like unhuggable bits in my porg plushes, so this isn’t for me.
It is, however, really cute-looking. Buyer beware: from a manufacturer response, it seems the 8.5” toy only makes porg sounds, while the 10” toy has wings that move. If that matters to you, select the appropriate size. If not, carry on.
Porg Plush - Small - 9'' - Star Wars: The Last Jedi
This one is available direct from Disney’s website, so why does it look so tortured? Why does this official Disney toy look like a Chinese factory knock-off? What anguished cry lurks within those misshapen, bulging eyes?
This 9” toy is $16.95, but the curse on your bloodline comes free!
Hasbro - Star Wars: The Last Jedi Porg Electronic Plush Toy - Multi
Why is it so mad!? Why is it so mad?! Why is it so maaaaaad?! What have I done to it? What did you do to it?! What rage has furrowed those frown lines around its mouth so deeply they descend halfway to its rumpled torso?
“This soft plush creature waves and flaps its arms, moves forward and turns, and includes porg sound effects - tweeting, chirping and more,” says the product description. But I don’t want any of that, just a porg toy that doesn’t make me consider the mortality of man and God’s eternal punishment for disobedient souls, especially not for $39.99.
Hard pass. Hard pass.
Star Wars: The Last Jedi Porg 16in Plush
Pros: This is on sale, down from $34.99 to $19.99. It is a ThinkGeek exclusive.
Cons: Why does it have that enormous head?
Who crossbred the aliens from Mars Attacks with a precious, innocent porg? How much of its torso has been displaced by that gigantic skull? What eldritch anatomies are at work here?
This is not cute, dude… not cute. It seems plush enough, but it’s definitely not cute enough.
Star Wars The Last Jedi Porg on Board Figure Suction Cup Plush - White and Brown
I am distressed. This may be one of the cutest porgs on the list, but it is also the one destined for the most miserable experience. It is designed not to cuddle and snuggle in your arms like a feathered baby, but to dangle miserably from your car window, startling passersby and alert dogs alike.
6” tall with suction cups attached to the end of its wings, I can’t understand why this is officially licensed merchandise. But for only $14.95, you can torment this innocent creature by dangling it it for public ogling wherever the public ogles.
Star Wars Last Jedi Talking Porg 7inch Plush Toy
Yet another of these allegedly “plush” toys with a speaker embedded deep in its guts to vex your pets and make for unpleasant squeezing. For officially licensed merchandise, the reviewers are sharing some incredibly, hilariously wonky photos of what they actually receive. If you want an ugly conversation starter, these mutant porgs might work (try lining them up at the end of a long, shadowed hallway to surprise your roommates or parents for a really fun time). But if you wanted a cute porg plush toy, better luck elsewhere. Save that $13.99, my friend.
Funko Galactic Plushies: Star Wars Episode VIII The Last Jedi Porg Plush Figure
I don’t know, man. On the one hand, this 8” plush toy is on sale for $17.28, down from $22.19, on Amazon. On the other hand, it is… sad-looking. It exudes a strange, miserable energy from its deeply etched grimace to its droopy wings. The real porgs don’t make me feel this intensely haunted.
On the third hand, though, all reviewers agree that this toy is soft and cuddly. This is a serious consideration that puts it far ahead of its competition.
Star Wars Ep 8 Porg 16" Plush Pillow Buddy
This 16” plush pillow buddy is $27.06 for Prime members and doesn’t make me consider Heaven and Hell, or whether a soul has been trapped in this object for use in sinister rituals. Its C-shaped frown is cute without crossing the line to grim grimace, its black eyes appear equally embedded, the colors seem bright, and since it’s a “pillow buddy,” it’s soft enough for snuggling all night long.
Is this it? Is this the ticket? The One True Porg Plush Toy? I don’t know that I need it to be quite so large, but maybe the lonely hearts out there could use it for maximum comfort as they drift off to sleep. It certainly balances cuteness with cuddliness better than any of the other abominations above.
My one cuddle caveat: the black eyes look hard, not soft, so they might present a slight obstacle. However, they’re nowhere on the order of a hard hidden base or embedded speaker, and there is a giant tummy available for your snuggle expedition, so this may well win the porg-petition.
What do you think? Have you found the adorable, soft, cuddly, affordable porg plush toy to end all porg plush toys? Let us know in the comments section below.
