Transformers is the king. Here we are a little over a decade after the movie made by the guy that made Armageddon, based on the thirty-year old cartoon made to sell toys to children, it’s now a five part live action saga with a new spin off film set for release as early as next year. In the face of overwhelming critical rebuking, other schlock like King Arthur and Green Lantern scurried off and abandoned their planned universes. Not Transformers . Transformers said “Fuck you pencil necks! Earth is actually Unicron and BumbleBee killed Hitler, strap in cause here comes part six -we got Dame Judi Dench as a Garbage Truck!” Oscar award winning actors star in these things,like, a lot. Frances McDormand, Stanley Tucci, John Goodman, Jim Hale?! (that one makes sense actually).
It’s utterly bemusing because I don’t know a single person that enjoys these movies. They’ve become the official badge of vapid cinematic excrement yet they make a billion dollars each, almost inexorably. Each movie is bigger, longer and less “movie-y” than the last. They’re loud and boring and chock full of old school racial stereotypes and shameless misogyny. The Transformers franchise is 24fps cynical debris.
I hope they never stop making them.
I didn’t always feel this way but I’ve been converted. Where else are you going to see Marky Mark (who plays a genius hick inventor named Cade Yeager) running around spouting dialogue like “These alien guns kick ass.” Paddy Chayefsky can suck my butt.
The fifth installment, Transformers: The Last Knight introduces the idea that Autobots have been on Earth for years helping out various historical figures. One of which is none other than Harriet Tubman. What? Divinely stupid. Love it.
The ultimate guilty pleasure. From Devastator’s wrecking balls, to the bumbling Ron and Judy (nudging out Leopold and Loeb for least funny comedy duo), dinobots, the mastabatoy Ameicana naval gazing. “I ate the whole plate.” “We're directly beneath enemy scrotum.” This franchise ain’t going anywhere so you might as well have a good time.
Indy darling Pamela Adlon is currently in talks to play Hailee Stanfield’s mother in the upcoming Bumblebee stand alone film and I cannot wait, considering the last entry revealed that the mute autobot used to fuck up Nazi’s in his spare time. I think Michael Bay should keping doubling down on all the things that makes this franchise deplorable. Can’t quite put my finger on why, but lately supporting a loud, bloated, dolt-fest has never felt more American.
