Steven Universe returned from hiatus on Jan. 30 with a five-episode gut punch that tackled grief, loss and responsibility, as well as giving us a window into Homeworld’s stratified society in action. Between the magnificent Patti LuPone as Yellow Diamond’s duet with our beloved Deedee Magno-Hall as Blue Diamond, the #Famethyst featuring Skinny Jasper, Pink Diamond’s human zoo and the incredible Holly Blue Agate as the brown-nosing middle administrator we all loved to hate, we couldn’t have asked much more from the hiatus.
(Aside from it not being “leaked” quote-unquote on the CN app. Please give the Steven Universe team a break from your damnable scheduling shenanigans, Cartoon Network. Even just once!)
Now we have at least two regularly-scheduled episodes coming our way: tonight’s “The New Crystal Gems” featuring #TeamConnie, and “Storm in the Room.” (Fans of Avatar: The Last Airbender are already braced for the feels of any episode with “storm” in the title.) Enjoy tonight’s levity while it lasts, folks.
“The New Crystal Gems” begins with Steven and the Gems returning from space in the Red Eye. Greg and Steven are still wearing their human zoo outfits, complete with loincloths and earrings. Steven apologizes to Connie for leaving her behind, which Connie graciously accepts, and asks what went on while they were gone.
“I restocked all the cereal and washed all the towels,” says Connie as Pearl nods her approval. (Thanks for being you, Pearl.) But there was just a little trouble… From here, the episode goes into a flashback-narration mode reminiscent of a middle-grade storybook, which is perfect for Connie. She explains that she understood Steven had a lot going on and couldn’t wait for her, so she accepts his charge to take care of Beach City in his absence.
She heads over to Chez Crystal Gem only to realize that there are intruders. Sword out, she whips open the bathroom door… where Peridot is ensconced in the toilet as Lapis watches with interest. Hah!
“Don’t you knock?!” Peridot snaps.
“Weirdo,” adds Lapis, from where she is standing next to toilet!Peridot.
Peridot was showing off her “old room” to Lapis and explains Connie as “Steven’s third best friend after me and you.” (Please. Peridot is so good for quotables it’s almost impossible to just write the recap.)
Connie remembers Lapis very clearly, but Lapis doesn’t remember her, to Connie’s disbelief. “You don’t remember me? You almost drowned me when you tried to steal the world’s water,” Connie points out.
“I almost drowned a lot of people,” says Lapis, looking away. (Look, don’t sleep on Lapis’ quotables either.)
Lapis and Peridot introduce Connie to their pumpkin, which takes to Connie as is only right and natural. Apparently, Garnet had spoken to Peridot and Lapis before leaving and asked them to protect Beach City, which is just what Seven asked Connie to do. This looks like it might turn ugly before Peridot has an epiphany: they must do the job of the Crystal Gems, so each of them should take the role of a Crystal Gem.
Peridot immediately claims Garnet, Connie naturally picks Steven, and Lapis is Amethyst, leaving Pumpkin to be Pearl. Immediately, the new Crystal Gems head out to the porch to spy on Beach City from above. Peridot has procured a set of sunglasses from somewhere and practices her best stern faces before eagerly asking, “As I am aloof and distant as the Garnet?”
“You were… until you decided to ask so many questions,” says Lapis in her best Amethyst impersonation, her hair tousled into an Amethystine mop, ending her statement with a magnificent impression of Amethyst’s characteristic snort. Pumpkin is wearing a birthday hat on his face as Pearl. I’m crying internally.
At the sound of some honks, the new Crystal Gems dash over to the car wash, where Mayor Dewey’s son Buck is stuck dealing with his father’s defaced car. It might not be the most glamorous mission, but the crew needs to run the car wash. “Whatever you say dudes… MERRRRP,” says Lapis, still in character. (“MERRRRP” -- Lapis, 2017. Make it your yearbook quote.)
Peridot uses her metal powers to lift the car, Lapis uses her water to scrub the truck clean, and Pumpkin and Connie towel the thing off. Buck hands Connie some cash and all’s well at the car wash.
Later, Connie is taking a nap only to be woken by the sound of more honking. There’s a lot of people waiting at the car wash to ooh and aww at New Crystal Gem shenanigans, but things start to go sideways when Peridot criticizes Lapis’ performance as Amethyst. “Mess around, crack some jokes,” Peridot instructs, so Lapis obligingly sprays everyone with water. Connie as “The Steven” doesn’t think that’s funny, so she gets a spray of water too (Lapis snorts).
Peridot gets increasingly incensed with the criticism from her colleagues and the questions from the humans, leading Lapis to take over as “The Garnet” with a hilarious go at an English accent. She raises a huge fist of water to hold the car in the air as Peridot clambers up her arm, complaining loudly. This results in Onion’s dad’s car getting flung into the car wash sign, to Lapis and Peridot’s chagrin.
“I gotta Steven this somehow,” says Connie before breaking into her best effort at a Steven-style speech: “We all love each other, and you all love me, so we all have to do this together, for love,” she announces. (Anyone else have echoes of Not!Katara’s Ember Island speech ringing in their heads?)
The roomies are not impressed by Connie’s go at Steven-tastic inspo. “She didn’t even cry,” Peridot grumbles. Back at the Temple, Peridot hands out her complaints about everyone’s performances: Connie lacks Steven’s sentimentality, and Lapis hasn’t been funny enough. Lapis dryly suggests that Pumpkin play the Garnet and Peridot take over as Pearl.
“I’m nothing like Pearl. She’s so uptight and sensitive,” Peridot replies, her voice breaking with emotion. “How dare you. I’m leaving!” (PLEASE. THE PEARL POTSHOTS. Wasn’t Pumpkin drinking soap enough of a drag? I can’t emphasize how funny this is. I love you, Pearl.)
At this juncture, Connie loses her temper with the squabbling Gems, which Lapis points out isn’t very Steven of her. “Maybe he’s really patient and caring, even though it must be hard for him having to be the adult for a bunch of superpowered children!” Connie shouts, hitting the nail on the head, preach it sis, amen and so on. Connie has her own Connie-style speech about how they all have their own way of doing things and it’s impossible to solve problems if they’re just copying others.
Peridot is good at fixing things, Lapis volunteers to wash rubble away, and Connie is good at organizing so they get to it. Cut to Steven and the Crystal Gems standing with Connie at the car wash, which looks immaculate except for the missing sign. Of course, Greg isn’t angry, but that’s when Connie has Peridot and Lapis trot out the incredibly awesome replacement sign they made. It features a side view of rocker Greg in a car with a robot arm sticking out the window and his majestic mane flowing in the breeze.
Greg? Loves it. I? Love it. And then the Crystal Temps do a victory pose at the end, and warm and fuzzy feelings wash over us all.
Judging from the summary for next week’s episode, these warm fuzzies won’t last long, but I’m grateful while they lasted. “Steven goes into his room in the temple to look for answers”? There’s no way this is another lighthearted exercise in shenanigans.
Don’t forget to watch new Steven Universe episode “Storm in the Room” on Feb. 17 at 7 p.m. on Cartoon Network. Stay tuned to iDigitalTimes for the hottest, freshest takes on Steven Universe right after the episodes air.
